Sunday, October 17, 2010

Utter Confusion

I am riddled by something in my past; I figured venting about it would help me. I know it has to be from my past because I have gone through pages and pages of artwork, articles, books, poetry, pictures and any other archival items one could imagine just to ease to my mind. It started subconsciously; I was looking through an old photo album and progressively got insane from there. I mentioned my downward spiral in a previous post and somehow I think this is directly related. I don’t know what is bothering me lately but I feel, for reasons unknown that it may be something that it both literally and metaphorically hidden in my closet.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Down the Rabbit Hole... but not out!

I am having an existential crisis of sorts. My best friend is worried that I am slipping down the rabbit hole. I am not so far gone as to need addresses to send farewell postcards. However, I do feel a surrealism that is even uncertain to me. Most of you already think I have nut-job tendencies and if you do that is just your misfortune as to only have known me as a child and a very young woman. For the most part I have grown into a pretty grounded person. I am not an extremist and care about most people. Well, I should modify the latter by saying I did care about most people.

The declination in my reality has really been more of a window to my friendships with people. I know without a doubt how people feel about me; I was in denial for many years thinking that people love me for who I am. However, this line of thought only applies to a few people. The rest do as they do with me as they do with their other friends, talk shit and float on clouds of bullshit. The fact is I live in an open book, one that is incapable of closing because I am not ashamed of my decisions.

Why I am slipping and growing more anxious, one might ask. CHANGE! Everything is changing around me. I am a grad student with three children, a job and I still do primarily all of the child rearing and housecleaning. My husband is aces in my book and has a large amount of the fiscal responsibility, to which I would never scoff at. I fear he is also taking a brunt of the psychological sledgehammer that I call life. My sons have recently turned into “typical teenagers”, typical to parents who have experienced but completely different compared to the two I was previously raising. It is like they are totally different people. School has never been hard for me but with life and only 24 hours in a day it becomes difficult to juggle schoolwork. Cleaning has become a monster of a pain in the ass for me because it is tedious and never-ending. When I see a dirty kitchen my head spins.

The one solace and retreat from real life that I have is my once a week visits to Zion to see my bestie. She reminds me that I am still Angie, the Angie who exists inside the Angie who once was. When I leave her house I smile in the mirror at Angie. At home when I look in the mirror I am so many other things inside the Angie who once was, I am the mother of Jordan, Madison and Gabriel… I am the wife of Keith; I am the student who has an assignment due in six hours… I am the house keeper who is five hours late for her shift because her husband will be home from work and he mustn’t see that I sat on my fat ass for five hours and watched court TV with a bottle of Pepsi and a carton of leftover Chinese… I am the therapist who is covered in bubbles, snot, kisses and smiles at the end of my shift.

I am still Angie underneath all of life but sometimes I am Angie drowning in life. I am grateful to be drowning in an inch of my life, I am blessed with wonderful people and things but sometimes a switch would not be an unwelcome guest; a switch that I could turn back on after a long and peaceful nap, of course.

If you are reading this and thinking I am just a princess that is finally forced to grow up, than you really don’t know me and should take me off your friend’s page. I have worked for everything I have and everything I am. I have made bad decisions in my life but have spent the last 10 years trying to make good decisions, ones that would better affect me and the people who surround me.