Sunday, October 17, 2010

Utter Confusion

I am riddled by something in my past; I figured venting about it would help me. I know it has to be from my past because I have gone through pages and pages of artwork, articles, books, poetry, pictures and any other archival items one could imagine just to ease to my mind. It started subconsciously; I was looking through an old photo album and progressively got insane from there. I mentioned my downward spiral in a previous post and somehow I think this is directly related. I don’t know what is bothering me lately but I feel, for reasons unknown that it may be something that it both literally and metaphorically hidden in my closet.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Down the Rabbit Hole... but not out!

I am having an existential crisis of sorts. My best friend is worried that I am slipping down the rabbit hole. I am not so far gone as to need addresses to send farewell postcards. However, I do feel a surrealism that is even uncertain to me. Most of you already think I have nut-job tendencies and if you do that is just your misfortune as to only have known me as a child and a very young woman. For the most part I have grown into a pretty grounded person. I am not an extremist and care about most people. Well, I should modify the latter by saying I did care about most people.

The declination in my reality has really been more of a window to my friendships with people. I know without a doubt how people feel about me; I was in denial for many years thinking that people love me for who I am. However, this line of thought only applies to a few people. The rest do as they do with me as they do with their other friends, talk shit and float on clouds of bullshit. The fact is I live in an open book, one that is incapable of closing because I am not ashamed of my decisions.

Why I am slipping and growing more anxious, one might ask. CHANGE! Everything is changing around me. I am a grad student with three children, a job and I still do primarily all of the child rearing and housecleaning. My husband is aces in my book and has a large amount of the fiscal responsibility, to which I would never scoff at. I fear he is also taking a brunt of the psychological sledgehammer that I call life. My sons have recently turned into “typical teenagers”, typical to parents who have experienced but completely different compared to the two I was previously raising. It is like they are totally different people. School has never been hard for me but with life and only 24 hours in a day it becomes difficult to juggle schoolwork. Cleaning has become a monster of a pain in the ass for me because it is tedious and never-ending. When I see a dirty kitchen my head spins.

The one solace and retreat from real life that I have is my once a week visits to Zion to see my bestie. She reminds me that I am still Angie, the Angie who exists inside the Angie who once was. When I leave her house I smile in the mirror at Angie. At home when I look in the mirror I am so many other things inside the Angie who once was, I am the mother of Jordan, Madison and Gabriel… I am the wife of Keith; I am the student who has an assignment due in six hours… I am the house keeper who is five hours late for her shift because her husband will be home from work and he mustn’t see that I sat on my fat ass for five hours and watched court TV with a bottle of Pepsi and a carton of leftover Chinese… I am the therapist who is covered in bubbles, snot, kisses and smiles at the end of my shift.

I am still Angie underneath all of life but sometimes I am Angie drowning in life. I am grateful to be drowning in an inch of my life, I am blessed with wonderful people and things but sometimes a switch would not be an unwelcome guest; a switch that I could turn back on after a long and peaceful nap, of course.

If you are reading this and thinking I am just a princess that is finally forced to grow up, than you really don’t know me and should take me off your friend’s page. I have worked for everything I have and everything I am. I have made bad decisions in my life but have spent the last 10 years trying to make good decisions, ones that would better affect me and the people who surround me.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Simple

Simple

I didn’t know what I wanted, I just followed my heart. My heart was weakened from years of trampling; I thought I was stronger, just to learn I was not. They say you learn from your experiences, I am smart but wise I was never. I never do learn. I am so bad at expressing my true feelings. I hide my pain behind my rage, the tension… the anger it builds until I am no longer myself. I isolate into myself and become so very lonely. The things I love become so shallow and incomprehensible. I drive home in a daze listening to music I can hardly hear. I speak to others in disdain and annoyance because every little tick and twitch makes me want to scream. I try to talk to others, my attempts fail because I grin and giggle and hide the pain so deep down inside of me. The rat race continues and I am more confused than ever.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Tantric Sex: Part One

Tantric Sex

Part One

I have been studying tantric sex lately. The prime objective of which is to obtain more sexual pleasure, a higher plateau. This would mean pushing oneself past “normal” limitations. If one were thinking that pushing oneself past the brink of normality meant that he or she would have to be uncomfortable, this is not at all what tantric sex is about. The limits one is pushing have more to do with the mental process than the physical. A sort of meditation that allows you to reach a higher plane of existence, essentially tantric sex is yoga in the sack.

Tantric sex is a philosophy that allows you to control and manipulate your sexual energies. Many of you have probably heard of the Chakra Rainbow, well this is one place where that knowledge (and chart) can be applied. I have a chakra chart that was done by Mara Friedman. The chart has seven chakras on it: Crown (consciousness), Third Eye (intuition), Throat (emotion and security), Heart (love and passion), Power (center, balance), Belly (creativity) and Root (sexuality). Of course, there is other terminology for the chart and the chakra’s but simplicity is bliss, so we will stick with this.

My first goal with tantric sex was of course consciousness. I have to be aware of the act itself and it is easy to lose oneself in the heat of the moment. Which brings me to my first point, sex is a pretty thoughtless act, though not pointless, yet the point seems to be the finale and nothing in between. People will argue that sex is so much more, but intention seems to dwindle with time. Relationships are like the moons phases, the maiden, the mother and the crone. The first stage of the relationship represents heat and passion, a fiery disposition that has one lingering and exploring. The second stage is just as it sounds, parenthood or life gets in the way. We become tired and lazy, what was once an adventure is now a well worn (and known) road with no new exciting turns or twists. The final stage is a dwindling altogether of sex and the maturation of emotion and comfort becomes ostensible. Friendship has extinguished the fiery pits of passion.

Now we arrive at my desire to learn more about this practice. Sex can always be more interesting. Yet, for the first time I found something that even eludes me. I thought this would be easy, I don’t know why though, yoga was physically easy for me but I always had trouble quieting the mind. My main issue is breathing it has always been an uncontrolled function during the beginning stage of sex. In my research I read that for people like me yogic breathing could help to enhance pleasure. However, it has definitely been a challenge. So I challenge you my readers, and let us explore this new terrain together. Concentrate on the act itself, the breathing especially. I would be interested to know your results. :)

To be cont….

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Crazy Horse knows no bounds…

When I learned of my Native American roots I wasn’t all that surprised. My connection with nature has always been a complete and fulfilling one. When I attempted at surmising a character profile of myself, one that could lend an idea to a name I was stumped. I like Dove, I liked Moon so I had considered Moondove, but since I had already used that same name in one of my video games, and I felt it would be disrespectful. I am currently without a name, but have recently been referring to myself as Angelique Emmaline… weird, huh… because that is actually what my name really is :D

I think that we in any society put too much emphasis on names. We have to label things in order to have consistent organization in our lives. I cannot be defined by one name because I am not always the same person. I perpetually exchange personality’s everyday, I like one aspect of life one day and the next I may completely agree with say, you. However, just as quickly I will revert and be back to “the old me”. I never chose to be labeled, so I choose not to have a name. I am now the nameless amongst the masses of others whom have procured meaning in the meaningless. People feel a need to give a name meaning. Angelique means Angel messenger, but I cannot even manage to pass on a phone message let alone God’s messages. So it means nothing but more words. Words only have as much stock as we give them. Hence, why the word fuck has 800 implications and 800 more uses.