Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Sex, an Inquiry into the Nasty: Part Two

Sex, an Inquiry into the Nasty: Part Two

I figured I should reiterate my prior statements because a couple of people misunderstood my intent. I do not think infidelity is appropriate, I said it was a natural disposition. My point is to help people find avenues of sexuality that include their partners. I guess I should state that for me it is not an option to be mundane, I bore easily, I am fairly sure I have some form of ADD that transcends to the bedroom. I am not necessarily bored with my partner; I am just intrigued by the unknown. He is a good sport for the most part; he is not 100 percent happy with some of the requests, so I subtract aspects that make him uncomfortable.

I used to consider myself a sexual idealist, for years I thought my optimism bordered nymphomania. That was until I grew up a little, stayed in a relationship long enough and stabilized. I began to wonder roughly two years ago why I was so different in my 20s than in my 30s. I began to realize that the culprit is marriage. There are tons of adages that mock marriage:

Marriage is like a phone call in the night; first the ring and then you wake up. – Evelyn Hendrickson

And my favorite poet said:

There may be good, but there are no pleasant marriages. – Rainer Maria Rilke

The puns that are innumerable exist for a reason. We love our spouses but something changes after I Do, after kids, after years of routine, after housework, after the 9-5, after… after… after…

It’s funny because once upon a time, we as people were more experimental because with youth came irresponsibility and with that came fun. We become responsible adults and forget how to be spontaneous young adults. True, if we didn’t grow up we would all be a bunch of promiscuous, out-of-control adult’s guest starring in Girls Gone Wild (guys, doing headstands on grills… or whatever the hell you do).

So how do we save ourselves, our marriages, our sanity? The answer isn’t just to spice things up. Because let’s be honest, there are no easy fixes. Generally people have a ton of excuses as to what the hindrance is in the bedroom. More often than not, I have heard children being around, fighting over finances, and simply skating around the issue through complete avoidance.

Part one states a few things a couple can do to take positive measures. But before we move on to part three I would like to state ways in which to get around the avoidance game. KISS; kiss like you did when you first started dating. If your spouse starts making excuses as to why they can’t kiss. Just say, “relax, a kiss is just a kiss.” Trust me; by the time they relax, they will be ready to do much more. Essentially this is where the problem in marriage comes in; relaxation is a premarital reality, but an illusion after marriage, kids et cetera. A simple nudge, reminder that “hey, you deserve to relax” is refreshing, because we don’t always remember that we don’t have to be stressed out.

TOUCH, touch a lot, touch, stroke and linger. The sexiest thing my husband has done this month was touch me; he stroked and grabbed and sleepily grazed along by body. The longer he did it the more turned on I became. In marriage people forget about eroticism, the word exists outside of marriage. I have heard people refer to porn as erotic, even movies… but never marriage.

Your spouse exists as lover, not just wife or husband, mother or father. It is so tempting to look at another person and say “that person does not have baggage” or “that person is nicer to me than my husband/wife”. That person also doesn’t have the drone job that comes with being spouse, and it is up to you to remind them that the job has perks too.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Children of Sin

Children of Sin

My mother is a Christian; my father is for lack of better words a Darwinian with tendencies towards Scientology. Although to my fathers credit he was waxing intellectually about alien’s way before Scientology was public knowledge. Leaving me to wonder where I got my spiritual beliefs. I am not one of those people that benignly confesses to spirituality, as if I would be a bad person if I confessed to having no soul. Essentially and according to Plato and the realms of Good, also known as the power of God in my opinion the soul is the essence of the man… in my case, woman. I have a soul, and the earth speaks to me; my spirituality exists, but on a more natural level.

Having read Origin of Man, I can say that I don’t take such a barbaric stance on humans. The term humanity exists because of what the term itself implies, the behaviors and motivations that are traits of the human being. Man is spirit, obviously and abundantly physical and profoundly emotional, but why is the spiritual in such contrast to the other two entities of being. The physical cannot function without the mental, yet the mental can function flawlessly without the physical. Yet, for spirituality to exist one must have all his or her mental faculties. Does this mean spirituality is just a result of an overactive imagination?

I am a humanist, amongst other things, that believes that all religions have a place. That place is within the heart of the believer. Spiritual righteousness is only seen when a person lacks faith in his or her respective higher power. It is much like Sigmund Freud’s defense mechanism projection. A person loses faith when he or she is not getting the desired results of a prayer. Looking at another individual and blaming a lack of faith on his or her part really just spares the believer from looking at themselves. Religious conversion to some degree depends on the active hand of the parishioners, to be sure. However, a gentle nudge is a lot different than a judgmental push.

Being a humanist I still have all the qualities seen in Buddhism, Christianity, Taoism et cetera I simply lack categorization. Some would say I am having my ecclesiastical cake and eating it too, but I’m not. I just choose to accept every religion as good, because the tenets of most religions are centered on good intentions. So you might say I take the positive in all of them and leave out the unnecessary. Some will say this is blasphemy and to them I say, let my creators be the judge and jury.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Sex, an Inquiry into the Nasty: Part One

Sex, an Inquiry into the Nasty: Part One

I love a fetish; I love the fetishes of other people. I can listen to the fantasies of others all day long. My husband and I do not easily deconstruct the topic of sex. I am free flowing with terminology and suggestions, but he typically recoils and changes the topic. What is it about the nasty that transforms some people into meek mice and causes others to plunge into the rabbit hole?

I have taken a liking to the ironic twist of a paradox personality… on one hand he or she is conservative and politically correct. Yet, in the bedroom this stone face will crack and reveal a grin that is laced with charm and seduction. This will be the individual that would suggest things so lewd that a picture of the parents would need to be put face down. These are the individuals that make you blush around the kids for weeks, just for fear that they might find out what a pervert you are, just by association.

I did a paper on sexual addiction, and William Clinton was my case study. The man was having inappropriate relationships with women as early as high school. Yet, who actually deemed a healthy sexual appetite as inappropriate. True, infidelity is a sin against god, but what about man, is it truly a sin against man? Jean Paul-Sartre was a philosopher and an atheist that insisted that god did not have to be evident in a moral code. An individual should be able to decipher between right and wrong based on not only a gut feeling, but also social responsibility. Infidelity is a concept that exists within a miniature subculture known as the family. The family or plural, are the only people that suffer consequences for the actions of said infidelity.

Bill: a man in a political relationship with a woman who has similar career goals.

Hillary: stayed with him because it was conducive to her political career.

America: had no business judging the president for something that is as common in the United States as eating or drinking. How is he different than Joe Jackass cheating on his wife with five different people? Clinton was a political and social icon, people looked up to him, and their illusions were shattered when a man of the highest power in our country showed that he was fallible.

Bill Clinton is human, he is not a pervert. Infidelity is the result of an inability to control oneself. If it weren’t a natural urge people would not have to control it. Hence, Clinton’s behavior did not breach any boundaries of normality.

Bill Clinton the flirt…

Flirtation is not infidelity though, is it? For some people flirtation is a controlled sexuality that is expressed without any real temptation. While others cannot resist temptation, in which flirtation becomes a weapon designated with infidelity in mind. My husband and I do not hinder a natural flirtation between us and others. We are both naturally charismatic and funny; we were literally born to flirt. I enjoy watching him, he smiles bigger, he hugs longer and he talks while grinning. And why shouldn’t he, isn’t flirtation a natural aphrodisiac. When all others leave we are flushed and looking at each other, there is no danger in being human. The danger exists in the unnatural jealousy that has only been perpetuated by false expectations by the media.

Jealousy is brought on by insecurity. It is not anything the lover has done that inspires the wild lunacy of the individual. Most of the time it is a former relationship that has the love-crazed loony looking for problems, an ex cheated, ergo, all men or women must cheat. The cure for jealousy is confidence. A confident person will eliminate the problem if it isn’t a figment of his or her imagination. Example: Dick likes to play poker with the guys on Tuesday… yet; the guys always call looking for him on Tuesday. It is evident that Dick likes to play more that poker on Tuesday.

Many times jealousy spawned from actual displays of infidelity are more than substantiated. Yet, the lover will simply spiral into a jealous craze until he or she is unrecognizable. Is this really fair to the person who is being faithful; yet, there are many innocent people accused of infidelity. And the truth is it can be insulting to many of these people because he or she has chosen a moral code that dictates infidelity as immoral. Ergo, you have just insulted his or her entire moral fortitude… and trust me, I used the right word.

Most couples have clear standards of infidelity. To eliminate stagnation couples may expand the playground, and turn the bedroom into a den of iniquity. This is not entirely unhealthy… there are circumstances in which it is, but for the most part a little spank and tank (role-playing) is perfectly normal. The naughty nurse with overflowing cleavage, the fireman with an ass that can crack walnuts and the mistress of blood, sweat and tears, a world that exists within the imagination can be as lucid and magnificent as your partner and you want it to be. Don’t fear that his or her desire is meant as a rejection to you, at best it should be mutually inclusive, otherwise another lusty avenue should be sought. There is no room for jealousy in a fantasy.

This goes for pornography as well, if you feel your spouse is more into the porn, first examine your logic and if it is sound, express your concern. If you know you are being unreasonable, take steps to work on what it is that is making you insecure. If you feel you are not up to snuff in comparison with the women or men in the videos… just remember that they are a fraction of a person as you know it. You are the person that wakes up next to him and her and make their day with your smile. You are the one that laughs at their jokes and in turn crack jokes for them to laugh at. Unless your spouse has a one track mind, these aspects of your personality will supersede his or her desire to see you tie a cherry with your tongue, bleach your hair, shave your testicles or wax your chest. Really, think about it, it is not your spouse’s fault that they have a natural desire to have variety. This is a safe and monogamous way to get a visual carnival of lust.

To be cont…

An Introduction about Blogging and being Oneself

First Blog

My husband’s aunt suggested that I start blogging, since my plans to freelance write have been shelved for some time. First let me start by saying, I like blogs. My husband has had one for about two years; it’s silly and funny just like him. I am a silly person but not always silly in my writing. This has been the source of much of my hesitance about starting a blog. A blog serves two purposes, it can be used for journaling or it can be used as a way to entertain your friends. And if your life is interesting enough, it can serve both purposes. My life is not, yet nor is it interesting enough to journal about. So I think I will do a combination of both depending on my mood.

My first blog is about being myself. So here it is…


I am the first to admit that I have tendencies that border on selfish and arrogant. I was born loud, had to tame the lioness, if you will, and make her socially astute. It wasn’t easy, I grew up with the nickname “Mouth” and it was definitely a name I earned. It never astounded me that I could talk all day long; I managed to get laryngitis in my childhood much more than typically seen. I used to think that my mom was a voodoo woman and made it so, she would be ecstatic every time I got it. Her teasing would make me loathe her, all I could think was why couldn’t she just try to understand me. And it wasn’t until I tried to follow along in conversations with a child that is everything I was, that I got it. It was nonsensical rambling. I digress though…

I learned how to listen to people, like really listen. I no longer have a preemptive conversation; I have learned to go with the flow of the conversation. I learned to improvise my articulation and deal with the fact that I could not control every aspect of my life, especially contributions by others. I would have thoughts while people spoke and sometimes I would consider them brilliant epiphanies. I realized that is a delusion of grandeur though; there are no brilliant epiphanies that are fleeting. Any blinding light will generally last through a segment of a conversation. If it dissipates it was probably just a fluke of genius. But even that is a delusion…

I used to go over conversations in my head, just to make sure I wasn’t offending anybody. So much wasted time wondering if my natural flow of thought should somehow be censored. I started letting the real me slip into conversations to gauge the response of my participants. It was usually positive. I came to the conclusion that I was the one being overly critical of myself. So, I started just saying anything that came to my mind. The result of which, my real friends stayed…

I lost friends as a result of being myself. It is okay, because I am a better person because of it. I am rambunctious, flirtatious, talkative and even crass and perverted at times. I am also compassionate, sincere, nice and would do anything to make my family and friends smile. I sleep in until 2pm on weekends, I am addicted to crappy television shows and I read philosophy books on the toilet. My secret (not so much anymore) behavior consists on putting gobs of lotion on my feet and socks over it, snacking on bubble gum and watching movies or talking on the phone until 2am. I find it hard to open up to people, cynicism being a trait I picked up in my early 20s. I think a little cynicism is good though, it keeps people from getting hurt.